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THE CROW By RICHARD OSLEY and CATHERINE ETOE
 
Last-minute goals ­ they should be banned

MAMA said there would be weeks like this, when everything goes wrong.
It started with Arsenal scrabbling around for a draw against Bolton. Then nobody wrote in backing my Martin Jol for England campaign – again. The BBC said they were bringing Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps back for another series. A jumped-up West Ham fan suggested Arsenal enter the Intertoto cup, to think I was making those gags about Spurs last year. I drew a complete blank, a big fat zero on the Valentine’s card count (first time since 1996). I send one to Natalie Imbruglia every year, the least she could do is return the favour.
Somebody told me that my Grimsby material wasn’t funny any more, and that substituting Grimsby with Leicester wouldn’t work. The hole in my duffel coat got bigger. We all had to suffer Cristina Ronaldo’s gurning face after a lucky goal against Portsmouth. The sub-editors are bound to write a stupid anti-Arsenal headline on this column. I found out Jose Reyes is likely to play against Real Madrid next week. I didn’t get tickets for the Arctic Monkeys’ gig – Leo Sayer is Number One.
And the Gunners lost to Liverpool by a last minute goal. Having Luis Garcia in my fantasy league team didn’t soften the blow.


IT was funny to see the Special One after his turkeys were stuffed at the Riverside. There he was, blowing his cheeks out like a man who’d farted in a packed lift and hoped no one would notice.
I’m sure those head pats he dished out as his big ’eads trundled off the pitch were a tad harder than usual.
Still, who’d have thought Chelski would get rumbled by a team who couldn’t string a parcel together let alone a winning run.
They weren’t alone. The Bolton Bruisers did the same and let Wenger’s Might-never-win-again-ibles score a late equaliser.
Not that us Spurs supporters are bothered now that Sam ‘Please let me be England manager, pleeese’ Allardyce’s boys are our biggest rivals for that European spot.
That said, another debacle like Sunday and my best bet for a trip to Europe next season will be trying to get on an 18-30 trip. Again.
I blame Paul Stalteri. I know he managed it a few weeks back, but I do wish he’d quit trying to score and stay back and defend.
At the Stadium of Light(s are out and no-one is home), he reminded me of my granny chasing the guinea pig around the room.
Paul, you’re starting to make Dean Richards look like Roberto Carlos. Stop it.

• Are they talking rubbish? Let us know at Your Shout, 40 Camden Road, NW1 9DR or by email: sport@camdennewjournal.co.uk
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