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THE CROW By RICHARD OSLEY & CATHERINE ETOE
 
Red-faced Rudy needs a Real Cup

RUDDY-faced rudster Sir Alex Ferguson – the elected MP for Ruddy Town South, a lecturer in quantum Rud-physics at Ruddysville University – was jumping up and down on Sunday as if his team had gone a whole season unbeaten.
But his excited face was because Moan United had won the Carling Cup. Whoopee-doo.
I’m sure it will more than make up for the early exit from the Champions League, the FA Cup defeat to rivals Liverpool and another season without coming close to winning the league.
As if conga dances could convince us that they were happy. Pathetic. Rud Off! With a medal haul of one Premiership title (Arsenal gave it to them) and one FA Cup (they played Millwall in the final), no wonder unused sub Ruud Van Nistelrooy had such a long face. He might as well have signed for Grimsby. Even Pascal Cygan has more medals to show off.
At Arsenal, they are worrying about more important things – like Real Madrid. One Sunday newspaper suggested Arsenal might swap Thierry Henry for Ronaldo. For the readers of Zoo and Nuts, that would be like marrying Natalie Imbruglia and wife-swapping her for the not-so-good-looking one from the Sugababes. Must not happen.



I GAVE my husband Samuel Eto’o a big kiss on Wednesday after he left Chelski glory hunters teary eyed.
Oh alright, I planted one on the telly screen as my (almost) namesake helped defeat the Not-So-Special Ones in the Champions League.
It almost made up for seeing Arsenal scrape that lucky 1-0 victory in Spain.
Thankfully, Arsene Wenger left his well-oiled machine of a team on the plane that night and returned with a rusty old heap with a dodgy exhaust.
At least that’s how it looked as the Might-Never-Win-Again-In-The-North-ibles huffed and puffed against Craig No Neck Bellamy and Robbie Nice Hair Savage on Saturday.
That said, I can’t help but pity the deluded fans who reckoned the Real result would kick-start their season (for the ninth time of asking).
At this rate Arsenal may rue their decision not to throw their berets into the Inter Toto ring.
Still, look on the bright side Gooners – at least Sol Luvvie Campbell looks on the mend.
He certainly looked a million dollars on the red carpet at the Baftas. Which is fitting really, seeing as he’s probably earned almost half that since his last performance in that horror show at West Ham.


• Are they talking rubbish? Let us know at Your Shout, 40 Camden Road, NW1 9DR or by email: sport@camdennewjournal.co.uk
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