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The jokes are on Lampard this week
MY fans wrote in this week and demanded more rubbish Frank Lampard jokes (see page 43). The way he is playing for England right now – why have the deflected goals dried up? – I could hardly refuse. 
 So here goes: I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but when he steps on the scales, they say one at a time please. (Groan).
I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but when he jumps in a swimming pool, the water jumps out. (Boom boom).
I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but when he went to the beach, Greenpeace tried to drag him back into the sea. (I’m here all week).
I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but he uses a toilet brush to clean out his belly button. (Catch me on my tour on the Les Dawson tribute tour of northern social clubs this summer).
I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but when he steps in a lift it only goes down. (Give me a break, I’m trying).
I’m not saying Frank Lampard is fat but I had to get a train and two buses to get to see his good side. (I thank you and good night).
Normal service resumes next week..
WAS gutted not to get a chance to see Frank Lampard’s baby smooth tum again on Saturday.
Still, don’t suppose there’s quite so much call for a fella to lob his shirt to the fans when he’s just played like wee Jimmy Krankie.
Unless they’re Chelski fans. They’ll go for anything. John Terry only has to break wind in front of the Shed and they’re following his scent like kids from a Bisto advert.
I imagine Aaron Lennon could have got away with donating his kit to the weary supporters in Tel Aviv.
What with him being the only player who didn’t have those of us watching at home pulling on our old skin tight Umbro shirts and declaring: “I could do better than that and I’ve got piles.”
So much for John Terry’s Braveheart pre-match howls of: “It’s about time we showed people what we can do”.
Okay John, now we all know what you lot can do.
Maybe now you can all shove off back to your mansions and your wags and give someone else a chance. And don’t forget to take laughing boy McClaren with you.
MR Osley, I had to laugh at your pathetic comments about Chelsea players’ celebrations after the Spurs victory.
How dare Chelsea show joy at winning a match! Whatever next? As long as Chelsea players never resort to the “Thierry Henry and co embarrassing uncle at a wedding dance routine” after scoring a goal I will be happy.
Your final sad and so old joke about Frank Lampard being fat (yawn...) do be careful Mr Osley, you are beginning to sound like a bitter West Ham fan.
Still at the end of the day, I suppose as The Arsenal are out of all cup competitions you have got to show an interest in the team who have already won the Carling Cup (against The Arsenal) and are still in there fighting for all the others!
JOHN HARDY
(A TRUE BLUE FAN)
via email
MID-MARCH, nothing positive to say after another trophy-less season, seeking ever more absurd barrel-scrapings with which to slag off more successful local opposition.
Mr Osley! You’ve turned into a Spurs fan.
SIMON CHARTERTON
via email
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