Farewell, Ms Etoe – now, who’s up next?

MY friendly old rival and champion jokestress Catherine Etoe has found something more fun to do than write switcheroo gags about Arsenal all season. I’d get bored too if I was responsible for finding ways of making the Gunners look silly each week, needle in a haystack, etc. But her farewell column today has left me with nobody to spar with this year. We searched around for a Spurs fan to fill the gap and predictably couldn’t find anybody at all. Well, none that could come close to stringing a sentence together. So, it’s down to you. Yes, to spice things up, Miss Etoe’s side of the column will be opened up to the public this season, as well as the occasional guest writer. Each week, they will crow on and on about how great their team is and have a pop at Arsenal on the way. And I will beat them down with a far funnier column. Having realised there are hardly any Spurs fans in the area who aren’t halfwits, we are even willing to think about opening it up to some new teams, having seen how articulate Chelsea, Liverpool and Moan United fans proved last season. Interested? Send in your columns (200 words). Keep the jokes clean and as topical to each week’s action as possible. This time next week, you, yeah you, you burger-munching idiotface Spurs fan, could be the new Catherine Etoe.

WAHEY. The season hasn’t even kicked off and Spurs are already champions.
That’s right, while the Gunners were prancing around Austria slapping their lederhosen clad thighs and gorging on wurstdogs, the mighty Tottenham were lifting a prestigious South African trophy and bagging a lifetime supply of pay as you go top up cards. Is our pre-season overseas triumph a sign of things to come this year? Quite possibly now Martin Jol has18 strikers and 64 midfielders at his disposal and all Arsene Wenger has got is Theo Walcott and some bloke named after excrement. Such a shame old Dudu won’t get the chance to team up with Thierry Henry this season. I for one am gutted he’s joined Barca - it’s been a nightmare at our house since my husband Samuel Eto’e let him move into our box room. If you thought your hero looked petulant when Manny Adebayor got his dance moves wrong, you want to see the face he pulls when I serve up lumpy custard. What? Not funny? Well you do better dear readers. That’s right. I’m heading off into the sunset with gran, so this season it’s your turn to give Osley what for and the wittiest, cleverest and sharpest ­critic of the week will get to spar with the Gooner everyone loves to hate.

Come on you Spurs. .