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Can I be Frank?
Mour sliding please
 I THINK we’ve all got a bit of Frank Rijkaard in us.
I’m not saying we see an irritating German man with a ridiculously bubbly blonde perm and want to gob in it – like Rijkaard did in the 1990 World Cup. For all his quality as an international footballer, when we think of Frank, we think of Rudi Voller still trying to shampoo the sticky phlegm out of his curly hair. I think he got some on his hands too.
 What I mean is we have all felt like Rijkaard did on Tuesday night. Now manager of Barcelona – officially, the only team better than Arsenal in the whole of Europe – the poor guy saw Chelsea kick, scream, moan and dive their way to a lucky last minute draw.
To add insult to injury, Jose Mourinho couldn’t think of his own celebration so directly copied Robin Van Persie’s slide to the knee routine, as seen against Everton. It was an awful imitation. Rijkaard couldn’t keep it bottled up and remonstrated wildly with the ref. Fair play. We all would have done the same.
 TALK about showing off. No, I’m not on about Jose’s Dirty Dancing slide at the Nou Camp; he was just teaching his Chelski tumble tots how to dive without twanging their banjos.
No, I’m getting my knickers in a twist over big heads Arsenal and their pre- Everton match gloat about being ‘fluid, rapid and prolific‚’ against poor old Reading the week before.
Not much of a boast, given that my grandma can be all three if she’s feasted on a dodgy chicken tikka masala the night before.
But patting yourselves on the back because your pampered stars gave no-name Reading the run around is a bit like West Ham needing a 40-year-old to bail them out of their worst run for 73 years – embarrassing.
Not quite sure which three words sum up the Gunners’ performance in that bore draw with the Toffees at Ashburton General Library.
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