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Here’s our heroes and villains
 MY favourite Arsenal player is Lauren. A curious choice maybe but let me take you back to April 6, 2002. It’s Arsenal versus Tottenham at Highbury. The scores are 1-1. Tottenham have nothing to play for – come on, folks, it’s April – apart from stopping Arsenal win the league. Sheringham thinks he’s done just that with a lucky penalty.
 The craggy-faced fool thinks he’s had the last laugh. Au contraire. Arsenal get a penalty. Lauren takes it. He deliberately scuffs it. It trickles in a straight line towards the goal. Spurs keeper Kasey Keller leaps out of the way. Teddy can’t believe it.
Check the replays, you can almost catch Tim Sherwood shouting: “If you had stayed still, you would have saved it.” 2-1. Arsenal win league. Priceless. The only thing Teddy was ever good for was showing Spurs fans that they are not even a big enough club to keep an average striker. He dumped them for Moan United.
Thing is, Emmanuel Eboue is now the world’s greatest full-back. I hope there is still room for Lauren when he returns from injury.
 I’VE requested a meeting with referee boss Keith Hackett. My first demand is a knighthood for Mark Hughes. Videos? At football matches? What a fabulous idea.
 Put me down for anything with that hunk Hugh Grant in it, preferably written by hilarious Richard Curtis (the perfect pick-me-up for those boring Arsenal or rubbish West Ham games).
Second is a media ban on Cesc Fabulous (because the mere sight of him makes me sicker than Freddie Ljungberg after a night on the cheese), but I guess that’s asking a lot.
As is expecting to see my husband Samuel Eto’e win Euro footballer 2006 next week. As I told him over beans on toast last night, you may have won the Champions League and La Liga Sam love, but it’s like Arsene Winger says, Thierry deserves it for getting to the European Cup final (lost), World Cup final (lost) and Premiership top flight (fourth). ‘Superchamp’ Arsene? Superchump more like.
Have YOUR say in the CROWZONE |
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