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Here’s a tip:You’d have more luck at the Bridge
IT’S that weekend where we all head to the betting office and pretend we know about horse racing, odds and how to put bets on and everything, as if it will impress the ladies.
While you’re in the bookies, stick this “accumulator” – see, I know the lingo – down on a slip and put the housekeeping on it.
Bet one: West Brom to win the FA Cup. Cheer on the Baggies this weekend. If they win,  Lassana Diarra can’t rabbit on about how life at Portsmouth is better than at Arsenal. Same goes for Sol Campbell. And Lauren. And Kanu.
Bet two: Victory Gunner to win the Grand National. It sounds like a winner.
Bet three: Three teams with the same coloured kit to be relegated from the Premiership in the same season for the first time ever. (Work it out.)
Bet four: Top Four Tottenham to finish in the bottom half of the table. This one is the gimme, the sure-fire certainty.
Bet five: Liverpool to knock Arsenal out of the Champions League next week. If Dirk Kuyt yanking back Alex Hleb on Wednesday night wasn’t a penalty, then the Gunners don’t have luck on their side.
Bet six: Theo Walcott to captain England by the end of the year. I’m sure Capello will see sense.
If you win on this, tell the world who made you rich. If you don’t, I hope it all went wrong around Bet five.
OH deary, deary me Mr Osley, do we have a dirty little guilty secret?
Late at night when everyone else is asleep do his stubby little fingers start to sweat as they hover over the keyboard? A nervous glance over the shoulder and then he delves into the saucy, sexy, glamorous world of wonder that is The Mighty Blues website.
“Oohh look,” he pants. “They have tickets, I wonder if I could go? Just this once…” 
He must be pitied, much like les Gooners’ inspirational captain Gallas, who has admitted he would rather go out with the Chelsea boys. Even good old Ashley Cole has experienced the irresistible charms evoked when the blue shirt is pulled on... (It might have been better if he had kept it on though.)
On top of that, Chelsea is running into that priceless ingredient at the business end of the season – luck. “He’s the man of the match, that Cross Bar” quipped one of the happy, smiley lads behind us when we beat Boro at the Bridge on Sunday.
Mind you, les Gooners fluked an own goal winner against Bolton, who haven’t scored three goals in a game since Chelsea last lost at home.
On top of that, poor Richard’s team has to play los scouseros three times in one week.
That’s enough to make anyone consider supporting Boris and/or Tottenham.
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