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Published:18 December 2008

Examples of Michael Jackson's Thriller moves

Strictly misses the point

It has nothing to do with real dancing, says Richard Osley. Real dancing is something you half regret the next morning

The Best Dance Moves In The World... Ever!100 New and Classic Moves and How to Bust Them.
By Matt Pagett. Simon And Schuster £9.99

NEVER mind all those ball gowns and improbable leotards you see on Strictly Come Dancing and the mumbo-jumbo that comes out of Arlene Phillips’s confused mouth, that’s not what dancing is really all about.
After all, who but the most drunkenly drunk numb-nuts is going to take over the office Christmas party dancefloor and present something as extravagant as the tango or the cha-cha-cha?
And which self-respecting chap in the real world feels comfortable enough to slip into a body-sock come Friday night so that he can rumba his way through the crowds at the Ritzy? No self-respecting chappess would either.
Nah. Real dancing is the dancing that you half regret the next morning and forms part of those unofficial dance contests which take place in discos, bars and wedding receptions every weekend of the year.
It’s about the moves you shamelessly steal from the movies and music videos and the mindless routines handed down through the generations, the shapes you cut that make you smile rather than sit back and applaud.
Surely classic formations like Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box have more relevance than anything Bruno Tonioli or Len Goodman might order John Sergeant to do?
In fact, in the real world I’m a better dancer than any of those TV judges or hired dancers because I have already mastered the simplicity of The Swim and The Stomp and I’m OK at Kung Fu Fighting – some of the only moves that matter on the crowded dancefloor.
The Best Dance Moves In The World... Ever! is a a “dancopaedia” of moves you can do in your shelltoe trainers rather than shiny shoes, the perfect guide for anybody who has made even a half-hearted attempt to shuffle like a zombie from Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.
This should mean everyone but the shyest wallflower or the bloke who takes himself just that little bit too seriously (the sort who collect rare Peruvian techno trance records and won’t dance to anything below 145 beats per minute – counting every last thud to make sure they are not caught out by a rogue bit of Whitney thrown into the mix).
As this book advises, don’t bother dragging them onto the floor – it’s better off without them.
Instead, follow the step-by-step guides to the 100 most infamous moves. Everything from Saturday Night Fever struts to old-time favourites like Watusi and the Mash Potato is explained in scientific detail and with cartoon crash test dummies to show us how.
One of the most underrated moves is a casual glance to one shoulder and the simple fingertip brushing away of imaginary dust – listed here as the Mr Distinguished.
It effectively says “there ain’t no flies on me” and is perfectly audacious for anybody who knows deep down they will never be able to breakdance but wants to show off anyway.
As author Matt Pagett’s helpfully adds: “Essentially, all you’re doing is brushing the shoulders off but place the move in the middle of a bigger routine and it allows you a bit of a breather.” Wise words.
Other class A moves unravelled here are the slinky sideways V-signs used by Uma Thurman down at Jack Rabbit Slims in Pulp Fiction and The Ickey Shuffle, a bit of spinny razzmatazz borrowed from the world of American Football.
Mind you, some of the worst are included too. Anybody up for sitting down in an imaginary canoe for that all-time lock-in favourite: Oops! Upside Your Head?
Maybe I’ll pass on that riot and concentrate on something as serenely simple as Stack The Shelves and Climb A Ladder. Dancing by numbers, but still better than anything Bruce Forsyth will bring you this Christmas.

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